the hub

I don’t owe anyone anything. Perhaps this is why I can make the permanent decisions that need to be made at my path’s city stop – the hub – where the crossroads spider. As I approach, the anxiety becomes palpable – a clear sign that a determination is necessary. If I stall, I deteriorate. If I am static, I’ll self-destruct. The freedom of possibility is the itch of life, screaming at me everything I already know but haven’t acted on – that needs attention, energy, and what’s due.

I don’t owe myself. I owe the perspective. If I waste that, I might as well prune this world from existence. I have responsibilities to my borderline sanity and the open vein to my heart, but I have nothing holding me to my history – only those who want what they want and take what they need – individually – and collectively stand in front of my future. Those who give run beside me – towards the same unknown, with their unique, individual, guttural battle cries – in harmony, with mine, out of tune – or just in tune with myself.

I’ve always known this was a journey we go alone. Friends, family – we grow further apart each spring. Love disappears into the void from which it came. God even got his chance, but was debunked by an eleven year old who had already experienced too much to know better. The universe doesn’t remember being born, and we won’t remember dying. Living is the only thing I know. The only direction to go is forward, and though I hope I can bring my hopes along with me, it’s up to the rest of the world to keep pace with me. I know how chapters end.

I speak this in my shy, dry tone. As it happens – being interrupted or talked over, and never being asked to continue – never heard, never appreciable, so it is acted out. If care is guilt, it is self-satisfying, and we’re back to zero – again. I can wade only so far into absurdity before the anxiety – the itch – shakes awake, leaving me up for days – mostly nights. In the hub, reducing the routes – it is possible, what I’ve imagined – I know, and I’ve said it aloud. It’s only important that I hear it. I do hear it. It is a song I’ve known all along.